Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
