apparently the secret to your success is patron
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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