Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
