it was like his penis was on wheels.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
