I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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