sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
