Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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