I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
