I want to make a zoo with you.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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