I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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