my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
