yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
