HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
