Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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