just tell him i said nine months
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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