I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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