did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
