U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
