I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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