she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
