So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
