The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
