i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
