Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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