I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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