A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
