dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
