So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
