My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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