just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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