I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
