Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
