If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize