I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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