You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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