Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
