Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
