You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize