In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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