If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
