He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
