I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
