if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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