I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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