Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
