Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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