Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
