got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
