So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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