I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize