i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
