Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
