I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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