No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
