sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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