Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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